the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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