our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he fucked my hip out of place.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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