I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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