I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
