I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
