I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
