i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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