I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
