I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i think im in europe. pls send help
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
