shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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