you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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