i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
