He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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