What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
