I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
