I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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