had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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