I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
