Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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