3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i wish my penis had a tongue
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
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