I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
