tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
