I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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