I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
