My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
