Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
