Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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