I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
