WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
