i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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