If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i now understand why vodka
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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