my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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