I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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