cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
