The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
