the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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