Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
