I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
