i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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