Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
