Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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