Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
