Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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