My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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