I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I want a musical about memes.
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