stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
