Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
