it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
