Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
