forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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